What's with the title? I'm glad you asked! (Hopefully you're not sorry you asked.)
I'm such a girl! Growing up I played with dolls. The dolls went to school, grew up and got married. They had babies and adopted dogs and cats. I've had a picture in my heart and soul of what my life would look like "someday" for as long as I can remember. It's never been a specific monthly or even yearly plan...but a life in evolution along the typical path most people in our society follow. I worked hard in school, graduated from college, got a job and a car. I have made a name for myself in a career that I am passionate about and worked the high-powered 80+ hour a week jobs at world renowned institutions. I lived on the East coast (all by myself!) and bought a condo which I love. I've developed some great hobbies: kayaking, mountain biking and hiking, travelling, reading, spending time with family and friends. I have finally discovered that what is truly important in my life was slipping away. Last year I moved back to my "home town" of Seattle to pursue a more balanced, healthier life and to be near my incredible family and friends.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past month, trying to get back to a true closeness with God. I had let bitterness creep into my heart, along with a deep-seated lonliness. I've gotten bogged down again and again over the past year with my body image as well as mistakes from my past that I can't outrun or change. It's been really hard to stay afloat and sailing with God, struggling to understand what His plan is. There has been such a longing in my heart to find my soulmate...someone to share my everything with. When I hadn't found "the one" years ago, I lived life anyway, following my dreams to the East coast--and back. So, here I am...and it's still just me. It's hard for me to understand why I'm meant to be without a mate and a family of my own right now.
When nothing turns out the way I'm expecting it to, what can I do about it? TRUST GOD. This is about His will, His plan. This is not about me!
I've made a "bucket list" of sorts...with a few different sections: Before I'm 35, 40, retire and die. It's not a life plan, as in trying to take that away from God...because He's shown me that I really don't know what He has in store for me. He is giving me the opportunity day after day to honor Him, to show him reverence and Trust Him. So on my list are things I pray to have the opportunity to do--and goals are always great sources for motivation! My mom and dad were telling me about Joel Osteen's book, teaching that we need to truly believe that God will bless us in specific ways if we believe He can and wants to. It's about not getting in our own way--and not getting in God's way by doubting ourselves and ultimately doubting His power in our lives. I'm probably not explaning it very well, but that's what my list is for. So, by focusing on these goals, and LIVING LIFE WITHOUT MY OWN ITINERARY, I can be the person that God wants me to be. I'll come to really love myself and more importantly, love the live He has given me.
My life isn't quite what I had always envisioned it to be...I want a husband, I want children, but above all I absolutely want the life God has planned and orchestrated specifically for me. My heart is softening to God's whispers and I feel an immense gratitude for my life as it is...it is a charmed life indeed! There is more love in my life than I could ever hope for, and life is good. :-)
